don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Randomize
