i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Michael Bay diarrhea
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
