i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
