it hurts more in the daytime
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
