Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
