Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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