Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
