We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
