We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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