I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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