Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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