The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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