she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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