my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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