??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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