I got chris browned last night
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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