You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
