How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
