my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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