Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
