i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
