my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
