So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
