I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Two words: blizzard sex
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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