The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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