I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
