I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Sext me about skeletons
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
