i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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