I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
operation harelip BJ is a go
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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