im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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