You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
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you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
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Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
