I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
