Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
