The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
