im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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