i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
