We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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