Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
