remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I think I just sharted jello shots
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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