It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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