i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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