You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
