I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
