its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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