i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize