I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
