Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
