just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
