haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
