Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
