Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
