chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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