dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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