New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
