the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize