Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
