Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
