can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
