You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
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I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
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I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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