She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
even my farts smell like vagina
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
