So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
