at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
