I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
