Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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