So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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